決勝健身房的27條軍規(guī)（雙語(yǔ)）

fliger

This is the time of year when even people who hate the gym think about going to the gym. Many of us are still digesting whole floors of gingerbread houses, and jeans that fit comfortably in October are now a denim humiliation.

Sweating is a good way to begin 2012. Exercise, like dark chocolate and office meetings that suddenly get canceled, is a proven pathway to nirvana. But if you're going to join a gym -- or returning to the gym after a long hibernation -- consider the following:

1. A gym is not designed to make you feel instantly better about yourself. If a gym wanted to make you feel instantly better about yourself, it would be a bar.

2. Give yourself a goal. Maybe you want to lose 10 pounds. Maybe you want to quarterback the New York Jets into the playoffs. But be warned: Losing 10 pounds is hard.

3. Develop a gym routine. Try to go at least three times a week. Do a mix of strength training and cardiovascular conditioning. After the third week, stop carrying around that satchel of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

4. No one in the history of gyms has ever lost a pound while reading 'The New Yorker' and slowly pedaling a recumbent bicycle. No one.

5. Bring your iPod. Don't borrow the disgusting gym headphones, or use the sad plastic radio attachment on the treadmill, which always sounds like it's playing Kenny Loggins from a sewer.

6. Don't fall for gimmicks. The only tried-and-true method to lose 10 pounds in 48 hours is food poisoning.

7. Yes, every gym has an overenthusiastic spinning instructor who hasn't bought a record since 'Walking on Sunshine.'

8. There's also the Strange Guy Who is Always at the Gym. Just when you think he isn't here today . . . there he is, lurking by the barbells.

9. 'Great job!' is trainer-speak for 'It's not polite for me to laugh at you.'

10. Beware a hip gym with a Wilco step class.

11. Gyms have two types of members: Members who wipe down the machines after using them, and the worst people in the universe.

12. Nope, that's not an 'recovery energy bar with antioxidant dark chocolate.' That's a chocolate bar.

13. Avoid Unsolicited Advice Guy, who, for the small fee of boring you to death, will explain the proper method for any exercise in 45 minutes or longer.

14. You can take 10 Minute Abs, 20 Minute Abs, and 30 Minute Abs. There is also Stop Eating Pizza and Eating Sheet Cake Abs -- but that's super tough!

15. If you're motivated to buy an expensive home exercise machine, consider a 'wooden coat rack.' It costs $40, uses no electricity and does the exact same thing.

16. There's the yoga instructor everyone loves, and the yoga instructor everyone hates. Memorize who they are.

17. If you see an indoor rock climbing wall, you're either in a really cool gym or a romantic comedy starring Kate Hudson.

18. Be cautious about any class with the words 'sunrise,' 'hell,' or 'Moby.'

19. If a gym class is going to be effective, it's hard. If you're relaxed and enjoying yourself, you're at brunch.

20. If you need to bring your children, just let them loose in the silent meditation class. Nobody minds, and kids love candles.

21. Don't buy $150 sneakers, $100 yoga pants, and $4 water. Muscle shirts are for people with muscles, and rhythm guitarists.

22. Fancy gyms can be seductive, but once you get past the modern couches and fresh flowers and the water with lemon slices, you're basically paying for a boutique hotel with B.O.

23. Everyone sees you secretly racing the old people in the pool.

24. If you're at the point where you've bought biking shoes for the spinning class, you may as well go ahead and buy an actual bike. It's way more fun and it doesn't make you listen to C+C Music Factory.

25. Fact: Thinking about going to the gym burns between 0 and 0 calories.

26. A successful gym membership is like a marriage: If it's good, you show up committed and ready for hard work. If it's not good, you show up in sweatpants and watch a lot of bad TV.

27. There is no secret. Exercise and lay off the fries. The end.

Where's my infomercial and best seller?
Everett Collection由杰瑞•劉易斯(Jerry Lewis)主演的電影《煤炭工狂想曲》(Cinderfella)劇照。
每一年的這個(gè)時(shí)節(jié)，人們就開(kāi)始考慮去健身房了，就連那些憎恨健身房的人也不例外。對(duì)很多人來(lái)說(shuō)，姜餅屋的地板還沒(méi)消化完，10月份還合身的牛仔褲現(xiàn)在只會(huì)讓人難堪。

2012，你可以大汗淋漓地開(kāi)始新的一年。健身如同黑巧克力或是意外取消的辦公室會(huì)議一樣，是讓人忘掉煩惱的最佳辦法。如果你剛加入健身俱樂(lè)部，或者是經(jīng)過(guò)一冬的蟄伏之后重回健身房，考慮一下這27條建議吧：

1. 健身房的用途不是讓你一置身其中就立刻感覺(jué)良好。能夠讓你一下子感覺(jué)好起來(lái)的地方叫做酒吧。

2. 給自己定個(gè)目標(biāo)。也許你想減掉10磅體重，抑或是擔(dān)任紐約噴氣機(jī)隊(duì)(New York Jets)組織進(jìn)攻的四分衛(wèi)，帶領(lǐng)球隊(duì)打進(jìn)季后賽。但是請(qǐng)當(dāng)心，減掉10磅可沒(méi)那么容易。

3. 制定一個(gè)定期去健身房的計(jì)劃。加把勁，每周至少去3次。把力量訓(xùn)練和心肺功能訓(xùn)練相結(jié)合。第三周之后，就別背著小包帶新烤出來(lái)的巧克力曲奇餅去健身房了。

4. 歷史上，從未有人能夠在健身房一邊讀《紐約客》(The New Yorker)一邊緩慢地踩著橫臥自行車(chē)還能減掉一磅肉的。一個(gè)也沒(méi)有。

5. 帶上你的iPod。不要租用健身房里臟兮兮的耳機(jī)，或者使用跑步機(jī)上破爛的塑料裝置，用這種設(shè)備聽(tīng)肯尼•洛金斯(Kenny Loggins)的歌遜斃了。

6. 不要相信速成減肥法。唯一能夠信得過(guò)的在48小時(shí)內(nèi)減掉10磅體重的辦法就是食物中毒。

7. 是的，每個(gè)健身房里都有一個(gè)熱心過(guò)頭的動(dòng)感單車(chē)教練，此人自從《走在陽(yáng)光下》(Walking on Sunshine)之后就再也沒(méi)有買(mǎi)過(guò)什么唱片。

8. 還有一個(gè)永遠(yuǎn)都會(huì)在健身房里出現(xiàn)的怪人。你剛剛還在想，哦他今天沒(méi)來(lái)，結(jié)果下一秒就發(fā)現(xiàn)他在杠鈴旁鬼鬼祟祟地潛伏著。

9. 教練說(shuō)“好樣的”意思就是“笑話你顯得我沒(méi)有禮貌”。

10. 慎入提供Wilco舞步課程的新潮健身俱樂(lè)部。

11. 健身房里有兩種人：一種人在使用完健身器材之后會(huì)將器材清潔干凈，另一種則是世界上最?lèi)毫拥囊蝗喝恕?br />
12. 世界上不存在所謂的“抗氧化黑巧克力能量補(bǔ)充棒”。它就是巧克力棒。

13. 對(duì)任何不請(qǐng)自來(lái)主動(dòng)提供建議的人都要敬而遠(yuǎn)之。他們對(duì)任何運(yùn)動(dòng)都要講解上45分鐘，甚至更長(zhǎng)，而解釋的內(nèi)容卻無(wú)聊得要死。

14. 你可以做10分鐘腹肌訓(xùn)練，也可以做20分鐘或30分鐘。另外，你也可以做“從此不吃披薩改吃大片蛋糕”訓(xùn)練，不過(guò)這個(gè)難度相當(dāng)大。

15. 如果你心里長(zhǎng)草想要購(gòu)買(mǎi)一臺(tái)昂貴的家用健身機(jī)的話，可以考慮買(mǎi)個(gè)木制衣帽架。只需40美元，不用電，而且功能完全一樣。

16. 健身房里有人人都喜愛(ài)的瑜伽教練，也有人人都討厭的瑜伽教練。記清他們都是誰(shuí)。

17. 如果你看到一個(gè)室內(nèi)攀巖壁，那么說(shuō)明你選的這家健身房真的很酷，又或者你是進(jìn)入了凱特•哈德森(Kate Hudson)主演的浪漫喜劇的布景區(qū)。

18. 慎選名字里帶有“日出”、“地獄”和“莫比”(Moby)字樣的課程。

19. 健身房的課程如果要奏效的話，肯定是有難度的。如果你感到放松愉快，那么你不是在運(yùn)動(dòng)，你是在吃早午餐。

20. 如果你需要帶著孩子去健身房，讓他們?nèi)ド馅は胝n然后就不用管了。沒(méi)人會(huì)在意，而且孩子都喜歡蠟燭。

21. 別買(mǎi)150美元的運(yùn)動(dòng)鞋，也別買(mǎi)100美元的瑜伽服，或是4美元一瓶的水。無(wú)袖緊身衫是給身材完美的人和節(jié)奏吉他手準(zhǔn)備的。

22. 華麗的健身房可能很有誘惑力，不過(guò)一旦漂亮的沙發(fā)、鮮花和檸檬水不再讓你感興趣時(shí)，你實(shí)際上就是在花錢(qián)住大酒店──而且還有狐臭味。

23. 你在泳池里暗暗地和老年人較勁比誰(shuí)游得快時(shí)，大家都看得見(jiàn)。

24. 如果你已經(jīng)為上動(dòng)感單車(chē)課程買(mǎi)了一雙自行車(chē)鞋，那么你最好再買(mǎi)一輛真正的自行車(chē)。騎真正的自行車(chē)更有趣，也沒(méi)有人強(qiáng)迫你聽(tīng)C+C Music Factory。

25. 分享一個(gè)事實(shí)：如果你只是想著想去健身房而不付諸行動(dòng)，半個(gè)卡路里也燒不掉。

26. 你和健身房之間的關(guān)系和婚姻關(guān)系差不多。如果關(guān)系良好，那么你會(huì)忠貞不渝，甘愿為之苦心經(jīng)營(yíng)；如果關(guān)系不好，你只會(huì)穿著寬松的運(yùn)動(dòng)褲看大量垃圾電視節(jié)目而已。

27. 最后一條，減肥沒(méi)有秘訣。運(yùn)動(dòng)，加上拒絕油炸食品就夠了。

好了，健身就說(shuō)到這兒，我還是繼續(xù)看我的電視購(gòu)物廣告看看啥最暢銷(xiāo)吧。